Seasons Change

First time dropping Kylee off with her dad in a Starbucks parking lot. Let's just say I’m not okay. Will this get easier? Less transactional? I was glad that Kylee had fallen asleep on the way and stayed asleep while we took her out of my car. I feel like I avoided the look of disappointment in her eyes. Or at the least avoided her confused face. That's the worst face. When she looks at me for answers that I don't have and wonders why I won't be going where she is going. I worry that when she wakes up, she will wonder where her mommy is. After all, I was just reading her a book in the McDonald’s parking lot waiting on her curbside order. But now, mommy is magically gone. The only thing that makes me feel better about this disappearing act is that her daddy will be there for her when she wakes up and he’ll be bringing her back to me in a few hours.

This is not the life I had planned for her. This is not the life I had planned for myself either, relationship-wise. Single mother was not in my cards. Tell God your plans and he’ll laugh. After all, life is funny. Is it ironic that I'm having Deja Vu? I'm sitting at this table inside Starbucks with my pumpkin cream cold brew (which I'm surprised is great). At this moment, I'm questioning everything in life. Is everything in life predestined? No matter what we do, whether we take every step toward doing the right thing, or doing things the right way and honest way, will things always end up how they were going to regardless of our efforts? We can't change the weather -outside of climate change. We can't control other people's behavior. We can only control our own to the best of our abilities. We can only let go of our sense of control and live life presently with our hearts open. Resilience is one of my strengths and not one that was easily obtained I might add. I'm not sure what this new life will look like for me or Kylee. But we have each other. And she has her dad as well. After all, I'm not the first single mother in the world. I am however determined to be a happy one.